I Sew Myself Shut
by amberpire
Summary: Even the brightest people have dark corners. AU ;Cat/Jade;
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** This is AU. If you don't like it, don't read it. It's just an experiment, really, an idea I've been trying to put into words for the past few weeks. If you guys like it, I might continue.

* * *

They keep asking her why. She doesn't know how to answer that because the reason seems so absurd, even to her. She just shrugs back at them and tugs her sleeves over her wrists. They always notice that; the way she tries to hide them, how she tries to change the subject as soon as it's brought up. They don't miss anything, the doctors. Therapists. Counselors. They see everything she tries to hide like her shields are paper. It's hardly fair. There's so many of them and only one Cat.

"There has to be a reason," they say when she shrugs and looks away, and they poke and prod at her childhood, tear flaws from her parents, from her little brother, from her friends and her school. They peel everything away to find something, anything that would make sense that would drive talented, pretty little Catarina Valentine to slicing her wrists.

Even the brightest people have dark corners.

And Cat really hates that she's back at the Center and is on suicide watch just because she went a little deep last time and her parents found her trying to stop the bleeding with balled up socks. She wasn't trying to kill herself. Really. She actually enjoys living most if not all days, there's just these scary moments that creep up on her and she doesn't know how else to deal with them. The nurses check on her every hour when she's not in group therapy or at meals and they always say the same thing, "How are you feeling?" and Cat has half a mind to retort, "Like I'm being stalked."

Every night she's allowed an hour on the phone to talk to whoever she likes; usually she spends that time talking to her worried mother, who gushes about Cat's brother and how much they all miss her. And every night Cat asks to come home, only for her mother to whisper into the phone in this soft, weak voice, "Not until you get better."

Cat has dark corners she'd rather not shed light on.

* * *

Jade has said "I don't want to die" a hundred times in the past few weeks and no one is listening to her. It's like her words don't register with them, like they're only listening to the scars on her arms; as if they should be talking for her or something. They don't mean anything and Jade isn't afraid of them. It's a coping mechanism. Jade is coping.

"What, exactly, are you coping with?" Jade's therapist touches his glasses and studies her and she feels like he wants her to strip naked or something, the way his eyes are so intruding.

"Life. It's a huge ball of shit."

"What's so terrible about your life? Is it your parents?"

Jade's eyebrow twitches. He keeps expecting her to admit something totally horrendous, like her dad molested her or her mom beats her or she doesn't think she's pretty enough or something dramatic like that. "No," she says, crossing her arms. "I get stressed, just like everyone else. Some people eat when they're stressed. Some exercise. Some paint fucking pictures. I cut. It's not as big of a deal as you're making it."

And he tells her that it is, like he always does, and eventually Jade tunes him out and stares at the ceiling fan, listening to it whir against the tense, almost heavy atmosphere in the little room. This is her last session before she's shipped off to Stowe's Self-Help Center for the Troubled. Her mom made her read a pamphlet about it. Jade screamed, threw the pamphlet in the fire place, and told her mother for the millionth time that she wasn't trying to kill herself.

And her mother just stared at Jade's arms and didn't listen to her.

* * *

The Center was dreadfully boring – this was Cat's second time residing here, on another 30 day stay, and had to go through the same routine every day: breakfast at eight, group therapy until ten, free time until noon, lunch, more therapy, some kind of physical activity outside if the weather permitted, dinner, and, depending on what day it was, individual therapy. Cat usually fell asleep as early as 7:30 out of pure boredom, so on her eleventh day, when she sat heavily at the breakfast table and heard rumors of a new girl, Cat was instantly intrigued.

Most of the residents at the Center were cutters like Cat, though there was a separate part of the building specifically for eating disorders. Cat felt bad for hoping the new girl was a cutter, but, either way, the girl was obviously fucked up to end up here.

There were five girls, including Cat, and two boys who made up the cutters. They made up the bulk of the Center which made Cat feel good about her situation, as odd as it seemed, when she arrived here the first time. It seemed that, for once, she was a part of the majority and not hovering in the background. The kids were nice, she supposed. Cat had only heard most of them speak in therapy when they were forced to – there was a point system at the Center, too. The better you did in activities and therapy, the more points you earned, and the more freedoms you received. Privileges included using the TV room, which had a DVD player, lame movies, and equally lame video games you could play. Some were even allowed to go outside and walk through the garden, but Cat was on suicide watch and wasn't given that liberty.

"I love new people!" Cat clapped her hands together, smiling brightly at the kids surrounding her. Most of them were used to her strangely bubbly personality considering her 'problem' or what have you, but some still raised their eyebrows and stared at her like she was crazy. "Will she be in our group?"

"Don't know what she is yet," the girl beside Cat, Abby, replied, drinking the milk left in her bowl. "But I caught a glimpse of her in the office and she looks scary."

"Was she skinny?" One of the boys piped up.

"Yeah, but not like the Skeletors over there." Abby nodded to the table across the room, where four girls sat staring at their plates and bowls of food. Abby shifted her gaze to Cat. "If she is a cutter, she'll be your roommate."

Cat beamed excitedly. A new girl that she got to live with? That could be good or bad, but Cat, strangely, liked to give the benefit of the doubt. "You think so?"

Abby nodded. "She'd have to. You're the only girl cutter without a roomie. Beware, though, Cat." Abby looked serious, subconsciously rubbing the inside of her wrist. "She looked really angry."

Cat could sympathize with the angry feelings; she wasn't too peachy about being here – again – either. But a new person could be interesting. A new person could provide, well, something new.

* * *

Jade hadn't been too sure about the whole Hell existing thing before, but she was thoroughly convinced that it did - within the white walls of the Center. The lady who owned it, a Brooke Stowe, had been all sunshine and smiles when Jade had walked in, like she was happy Jade was troubled or whatever. Sick people. Jade had dropped heavily in the chair across from the woman and only vaguely listened to some point system and all that and that Jade couldn't have any pens or pencils or hair clips in her room. Or shoe strings.

Jade decided this place was full of psychos.

To top it all off, she was going to have a roommate. Great. That's exactly what she needed: thirty days cooped up in a room with a crazy. Awesome. Stowe had asked a nurse to go fetch this Cat person while Jade stared blankly at a nearby wall. Stowe babbled on for a few more minutes until the door squeaked open.

"Ah, Cat, thanks for coming. This is your new roommate, Jade West."

Jade flicked her eyes to the girl standing in the doorway and Jade was a bit thrown off by the girl's wide, happy smile. Wasn't this place for sad, dark people? This girl had big brown eyes that all but leaked happiness and red velvet hair that curled down past her shoulders. She seemed too happy, beaming at her from the doorway, and Jade wondered why a girl like that would be in a place like this.

Jade only nodded to regard the other girl and then she was ushered off with her, treading down a carpeted hallway to where their room was.

"Cat's short for Catarina, but no one calls me that except my grandma."

Jade just nodded, letting her eyes dart across the various paintings that lined the walls, peering into opened rooms.

"Where are you from?"

The girl's tone was so happy-go-lucky Jade didn't know how to take it, so she just shifted her shoulders a bit and averted her gaze. "Hollywood."

"Really? Me too. South side. Do you ever go to Cal's Café? I love Cal's Café. Best mochas ever. And candy apples in the summer. I went there once when I was a kid and I got a candy apple stuck to my braces. The owner felt so bad about it, he let me have it for free."

Jade wasn't used to the talkative type and simply stood there in silence, nodding awkwardly. Of course she got stuck with a chatterbox. She turned slightly to watch as Cat paused to find the girl watching her as well, that bright smile never fading. Cat pressed her tongue between her smiling lips before turning toward their room, apparently. The door opened to a small room with a single bed on each wall. It was obvious which side was Cat's, as the bed spread was the same color as her hair. The bedside table had a plethora of doo-dads on it while the other side was bare and empty.

"The beds are kind of hard, but you get used to it." Cat smiled at her again and twirled to her bed, flopping on the mattress. Jade stepped inside hesitantly, glancing about, slipping out of her flats and moving to the bed. She touched the bedspread in silence before sitting tentatively, as if expecting it to explode.

"There aren't any windows," Jade said, more to herself than to Cat, but the red-haired girl took it as an invitation to speak.

"Oh, I know. I hate it. Abby has a window in her room that looks right out into the garden. Jealous." Cat pushed back against wall and twirled her thumbs. "By the way, it's a pleasure to meet you. Though I wish it was under different – better circumstances, you know." She shrugs and touches her hair, still watching Jade's every move.

Jade shifts uncomfortably and shrugs her shoulders. "Eh." It's all she says. She sits cross-legged on the mattress and stares at her hands.

"It seems really rude for me to ask you this, but I can't help myself." Cat twists her red bedspread in her fingers. "Why are you here? I mean, I know you're troubled, duh, and I know you're a cutter or you wouldn't be rooming with me, and you don't have to answer, -"

"I'm not troubled," Jade snaps, green eyes cutting sharply at the girl across the room. Cat's mouth clicks shut. "I'm here because my parents overreacted and wouldn't listen to me."

Cat's eyes dart down to Jade's exposed arms. Jade doesn't try to hide them. She has nothing to be ashamed of. "But, you have scars. You cut yourself."

"It's a form of coping. I'm not trying to kill myself, I don't get a hard-on from doing it. It just helps me with stress."

Cat gnaws her lip for a moment and Jade dares the stranger with her eyes to try and challenge her words, only for Cat to shrug and push herself to a stand. "Okay." She smiles and jerks her thumb toward the door. "We better go. Your first session of group therapy awaits you."


	2. Chapter 2

Jade is too pretty to be a cutter, Cat has decided. She's got this long, pretty dark hair, and green eyes that come alive when it's in the right light. But she rarely sees them because they're always down, staring at her hands or her feet, and Cat has to control herself to keep from reaching out and pulling that chin up.

Cat hates sad people. It's in her nature to comfort them, but she can never quite find the right words – how can you make someone feel better when you yourself are locked up in a center for troubled teens?

For the first few days, Cat just watches the new girl. She doesn't say much in therapy, which limits what she's allowed to do. She usually just sits in their room and reads. She doesn't talk to Cat unless the red-haired girl speaks first, and by the third day, Cat just stops talking to her altogether. Jade is silent at meals, silent in therapy, and chooses to sit on the sidelines when they play games outside.

Cat hides her scars. Jade all but flaunts them.

Cat finds it weird to see someone who doesn't seem ashamed or embarrassed that she cuts herself. Cat's been told for months now that that isn't normal, that there's something wrong with her that needs to be fixed, but Jade carries herself like she's completely find with her method of 'coping', as she calls it. Cat's never felt so eager to help someone – because everyone that comes in this place is either whiney and looking for attention from anyone who will give it, or so far gone they can't be saved, but Jade is in this place Cat's never seen before. She wants to know how she got there, why she's stuck there, and she wants to get her out.

But Cat just watches for a few days. Studies. Makes notes. Learns what she can about the mysterious, proud cutter.

Which isn't much because she never talks.

Cat studied the girl from her bed. It was Jade's fourth day, Cat's fifteenth. She was half-way done with her second stay at the Center. A part of her was ecstatic while another was almost dreading it because she still hadn't quenched her curiosities with this girl – she didn't know what she wanted. Jade was different and far away. She wanted to reach her somehow.

The center of Cat's thoughts was sitting cross-legged on her bed, a book cradled on her knees. Her side of the room was still bare, decking the boring navy blue bedspread. Jade didn't have any pictures of family with her, no objects from home. Nothing. Just books. Lots and lots of books.

Cat twisted her bedspread in her fingers, admiring how it matched her hair, and then she sighed heavily and leaned back against the wall. "I'm not on suicide watch anymore," she blurted, flicking brown eyes over her book at Jade. The other girl tilted her book downwards, arching a dark brow over the pages.

"You were on suicide watch?"

Cat nodded. "Yes. That's why they were checking up on me all the time. If you noticed."

Jade turned back to her book. "I didn't."

Cat gnawed on her lip for a while before falling against her pillow. This was supposed to be her free time – she could go to the TV room or out in the garden, she could play a board game with someone wandering about, and she could have a decent conversation and not sit here, bored, in a tiny room with a girl who wasn't the least bit friendly. Cat had nearly made up her mind to leave when Jade's voice cut across the room.

"Why are you here?"

Cat blinked, turning slightly to make eye contact with Jade. The dark-haired girl looked … curious, almost, but more confused, like Cat being here made no sense. Cat sat up pointed a finger at the other girl.

"I'm not telling if you're not."

"I don't have a reason anyone wants to hear," Jade retorted, closing her book with a loud slap. "I had a good childhood. My parents are great. My friends are okay. Everything is fine." She pursed her lips for a moment, crossing her arms defensively. "You seem too happy to be here."

"Happy?" Cat snorted, shook her head, and looked toward the door. "Yeah, I'm happy, most of the time. A lot of the time, actually. I like the world, I think it's nice. I like flowers and candy and people. I like the ocean." She shrugged. "I just have, you know, moments." Cat piped up suddenly, pushing herself off the bed until she was standing in front of Jade. The other girl leaned back slightly, raising her book like it would protect her. "Walk in the garden with me."

"What?" Jade shook her head, flicking her eyes down to her book again and cracking it open. "Couldn't if I wanted to, Red."

Cat paused, eyebrows flying up. "Did you just give me a nickname?"

Jade hesitated, huffing loudly and shaking her head. "Whatever. I can't anyway. I haven't 'earned enough points'."

Cat frowned. This was true. Jade had barely enough points to leave the room. She sank with defeat on the edge of Jade's bed. The girl shrank away again, bringing her feet closer to herself, as if the prospect of Cat touching her scared her. Cat glanced sideways, lifting a hand and touching the bedspread. "Is it okay if I sit here?"

Cat watched as Jade twisted her mouth and she could see the rejection in Jade's eyes, the 'no' she didn't want to say. The red-haired girl sighed and pushed off the bed, moving back across.

"Hey, I didn't say no."

"You want to." Cat plopped on her bed and curled into a fetus position. "Why do you act like you're above everyone else?" Her brown eyes narrowed across the room, arms folding across her knees. Jade just stared back at her, book open across her legs.

And then Cat thought she saw a kind of softness flicker through the other girl's face and she froze, lips parting in a silent gasp of awe as something other than anger dominated Jade's sharp features.

"I'm not above them," she said, her voice so quiet Cat could barely hear it. She shifted slightly, tilting her ear in the girl's direction across the room, to catch ever syllable that left that mouth, to hear something sincere before she realized what she was doing. "I'm beyond them," she finished, and the moment passed and her face became stone again. She lifted her book and buried herself in the pages.

Cat didn't say another word until they were called for therapy, and even there her thoughts were somewhere else, her eyes on the dark-haired girl across the room that was beyond her.

* * *

For once in her life, Jade actually felt troubled. Her roommate had proved to a bit more than she had bargained for – everything she said made Jade think. She actually cared what the red-head thought. She wanted to know her thoughts. She wanted to get inside that head of joy and find out why she was here.

Jade found herself studying the other girl much like she always did, outside on the Center's baseball field. Cat was up to bat while Jade preferred to sit on the sidelines. Cat's smile was almost contagious, blinding, a squeal of joy leaving her as she hit the ball across the field. And then she bolted for first base, and Jade found herself staring at – at her _ass_.

Jade shook her head and tore her eyes away. She didn't think about that kind of stuff, it always ended messy. Sex. Relationships. Relationships with crazy girls. The whole thing was a huge mess and Jade was beyond all of that; she had transcended pathetic excuses for people. She was only around people because she had to be, not because she really wanted to.

Well, she didn't hate being around Cat. Usually. Most of the time. Sometimes.

Jade fell on her back against the grass. The sun was beginning to set, the sky a soft pink, and she rubbed the inside of her wrists because her scars were almost the same color. She wasn't ashamed of them; they were simply proof that she was fighting something other people didn't understand. But she was ashamed that they had torn her away from so many things, from doing things, from being happy.

She couldn't remember the last time she had been happy.

A whistle blew, some distant shouting – but Jade was still on her back, gazing up at the pink sky, ignoring the rest of them for just a few moments. She wanted to somewhere else for a while; maybe back home in her room, touching her razor, or sitting by herself in the library, or in her room at the Center with a red-head on the other side.

Jade shakes her head against the grass, as if that would banish the thoughts from her mind and spill them out in the field. But they were still there, and Jade could still see them, and she rubbed the inside of her wrist, over and over.

"Jade, c'mon!"

Jade blinked as Cat's face suddenly obscured her view of the sky with a 'thunk' as her knees met the grass and for a moment, Jade almost preferred it to anything else she could look at. Red hair fell from her face and encircled them in a kind of ruby halo, and Cat was all she could see. Jade almost liked it.

"Did you fall asleep?" Cat beamed at her, reaching up and tucking a curtain of red hair behind her ear.

Jade sighed, because these thoughts were troubling and scary, a territory she had never seen, never thought she'd reach, and with an unsteady hand she reached up, a pale hand curling the other sheet of Cat's hair behind her ear. Cat blinked in surprise and Jade wondered just how far away she seemed that surprise was needed whenever she touched someone.

"No. Thinking." Jade dropped her hand but Cat didn't move, and it was weird, Jade thought, how heavy the air between them suddenly got. She couldn't remember being this close to a person.

"About what?" Cat's naïve atmosphere was almost charming, but Jade knew what was hiding beneath those sleeves. She knew that Cat had some dark corner where a skeleton was stowed and she wanted to know why. For once, Jade was genuinely curious.

"Nothing." It was too easy for Jade to fall back into that familiar stone face, and she sat up, making Cat move away. The red-haired girl extended her hand and pulled Jade to her feet, refusing to let go of the appendage as they walked back to the Center. Jade tried to tug it back, just once, but when Cat refused to disentwine her fingers, Jade gave up and allowed herself to be held that way. It was weird, feeling someone's fingers fill the space so well. It was kind of nice.

For once her life, Jade was kind of scared.


	3. Chapter 3

Cat wasn't particularly bright in any area as far as school went, but she was good with people. She could read them. She was highly underestimated when it came with the abilities she did have – so what if she couldn't solve a math equation to save her life? She could read Jade easier than most books.

Jade had been so reluctant at first, so hesitant. Her body had been stiff and tense and Cat only noticed this because Jade had a nice body that Cat liked to watch. But as the days went past, that tension began to melt and Cat liked to think it was because of her. Jade was opening up – not to anyone else, not to the therapists and the other residents, but she let Cat sit on her bed the other night.

That was something. Progress. And Cat's last thought was on cutting; her entire mind was focused on this mysterious, shadow of a girl. She wanted to know, she wanted to feel, she wanted to get inside her head and find out what her skeleton was.

The source of her thoughts was sitting on a bench outside. She had finally earned enough points to go into the garden. Cat was on the phone with her mother, only mildly interested in what she was saying. Jade was flipping through a magazine, and the way her hair played with the wind was really beautiful and totally distracting –

"Catarina? Are you listening to me?"

"Hm?" Cat shifted her eyes away from the window if just to focus herself. "What? Of course. Yeah, I have to go, Mom."

"But we've only been talking for a few minutes-"

Cat promptly dropped the phone on the jack and slipped out the door, a hand shielding her eyes as she made her way to Jade. Jade was so dark all the time, hiding in her room, ducking out of the light … but here, the sun made Jade come alive, dark hair vibrant and thick and Cat just wanted to touch it so she decided she would.

Jade didn't look up as Cat sat beside her on the bench. Cat didn't mind; no acknowledgment was better than being glared at or something so Cat focused on Jade's pretty hair and reached up, threading her fingers through it. That caught the girl's attention and she turned, green eyes flicking around the other girl but Cat just ignored her. Jade's hair was soft and her fingers felt like they were sinking miles into it, pulling it back before she started again.

"What are you doing?"

Cat ignored the question for a while, humming low in her throat. It was nice because a few days ago Jade would have never let her touch her like this, but now she was just watching her. That meant that they were friends, didn't it? Cat hoped so. She liked Jade. "You have pretty hair," Cat said simply, because it was true, Jade did have pretty hair. And it was natural and full of random, thick curves that Cat would never have. Her lips twitched in a smile.

"Okay." Jade just kind of stared at her and finally Cat turned her gaze to meet the other girl's, raising her eyebrows.

"What? I'm complimenting you."

"I know." Jade tilted her head back, away from Cat's fingers. Cat dropped her hands but didn't move away, still watching her, still completely captivated by the strange, odd beauty she had.

"Do people not compliment you often? They should. You could go on a magazine."

Jade snorted, raising her arms. She was wearing short sleeves and Cat was wearing long because it was easier to hide her shame that way, but Jade didn't care. She held her wrists right to Cat's face, right in front of her eyes. Cat stared at them, the bright, pink flesh criss-crossing over pale skin.

"Yeah, right after they photoshop these things out."

Cat furrowed her brow. "Why?" And before she could stop herself she took Jade's wrists and pulled them into her lap. The magazine fell from Jade's lap and landed on the sidewalk. The wind flipped the pages. Cat ran her thumbs over the scars, every single one, and she could feel Jade was growing tense again in her arms but Cat held on, determined. "Healing is a beautiful thing, too."

Jade shook her head but Cat's eyes were focused on the scars. "Yeah, but as soon as I'm out of here, I'm just going to cut them open again."

"Why?"

"Because I get stressed and it helps me."

Cat was the one to shake her head this time, ruby hair slipping over her shoulders and dangling over Jade's wrists like strings of blood. "You could do less painful things."

Again came that snort. "What are you, my therapist now?"

"No." Cat raised her gaze and studied the other girl, head slowly tilting. "But I care about you. A lot. And I know this is wrong and I want to stop and you should stop, too."

Jade's eyes were deep, endless it seemed, and Cat got lost in the stare of them, could feel herself floating away like a string had been pulled in her chest and she was watching this from above like a dream. Jade leaned forward slowly and Cat's breath caught in her throat.

"Why do you do it?" Jade's eyebrows flickered, tugging down, and Cat had never seen someone so interested, so confused about why she was here. The therapists were more concerned with her stopping than the original reason.

Cat didn't want to die. She didn't. The pain just helped sometimes.

"I almost killed my brother," Cat said, and the words sounded so absurd and tasted like steel, slicing her tongue. But it was like she couldn't help herself but speak the truth to those green eyes and she kept going. Now that the dam had burst, there was no stopping it. "We were playing with firecrackers and I told him to hold it when it went off. He almost died. He's covered in scars now."

Jade just stared at her and Cat released the girl's wrists just to lift her own. "So I should be covered in them, too."

And Cat saw something move across the muscles of Jade's face that she thought she would never see. Sadness. Grief. Remorse. For someone else. Cat was more overwhelmed by this than the fact that she had confessed to it, having not said a word since it happened. She had been young then and so very stupid, but every time she caught a glimpse of her brother's chest, his upper arms – it drove her over the edge.

Cat's eyes lowered and the movement caused tears to drop that she hadn't even known had been building. Jade tensed again, touching Cat's thigh as the red-haired girl rubbed at her eyes furiously, shaking her head. "Sorry," she mumbled, because she knew how uncomfortable this must be, especially for Jade.

"It's okay," Jade said, and Cat could hear in her voice that she meant it, that it was true, and Cat turned and leaned her cheek against the dark-haired girl's shoulder.

And Jade's arm wrapped around her and Cat felt safe.

* * *

Jade didn't like emotions. She thought they were incredibly overrated. All of them; anger, sadness, happiness, even being horny if you could consider that an emotion. But suddenly she was starting to feel things and all of them truly terrified her.

She stared at Cat for a long time after the confession. Cat almost killed her brother? Suddenly Jade's bitter attitude towards life in general seemed stupid. So very, very stupid. It wasn't that Cat wanted to die, she just felt like she should punish herself. Jade's arm tightened around the red-head's waist. Jade was seeing the world through different eyes and it was completely shifted and terrifying. Cat was a person. She had feelings. And she was trusting Jade with secrets.

The idea made Jade's throat tighten. She had never gotten close enough with anyone to know secrets and the unseen weight was heavy on her chest. Jade glanced up at the sky, the sun bright and contrasting with what she was feeling and Cat was still crying and it was all very hard.

"Come on." Jade couldn't be outside anymore. She held Cat's waist as they stood and she didn't want to let her go, didn't want any more distance between them then absolutely necessary, and they walked inside together. She spoke into Cat's hair as they walked, nothings really, reassuring words that Jade had never used before until they reached their bedroom. Jade shut the door and aided the other girl to her bed.

"Please stop crying," Jade tried, but Cat's eyes were puffy and red and Jade could only stare. It hurt, watching someone cry, but it never had before and it dawned on her with a strangled choke that she actually gave a shit about somebody. "You were kids, weren't you? It was an accident. And he's alive."

Cat sniffled and wiped her tears away only for them to be replaced by fresh ones. "I know. It's stupid to be so upset about it after all this time. But, I just, his skin – I ruined it."

Jade frowned, looking at Cat's wrists. "But that doesn't mean you have to take it out on yourself. You didn't do it on purpose."

Cat shook her head, turning her eyes to Jade and they both stared at each other. Cat tilted her head slowly, raising a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Jade?"

Jade knew what she was going to ask and turned her head, lower lip wedged between her teeth. "Please don't, Red."

"But I want to understand. I want to get you." Cat reached out and even though Jade shrank away Cat touched her knee anyway, holding it, and finally Jade released a shaky breath at the contact and turned her head back. Those brown eyes were wide and she wasn't just interested in the reason, she wasn't craving something sick to satisfy her thoughts, she just wanted to understand.

And Jade didn't know what to say, how to word it, so she let her shoulders rise and fall. "I don't know. I mean, I can't explain it. I just get – stressed. And the endorphins, they make me feel better."

"What do you get so stressed about that could lead you to this?" Cat touched her scars again and Jade's arms trembled. Cat wasn't disgusted. She knew this kind of pain.

"I don't know. Everything. I feel kind of, er, hopeless." Jade threw her head back. "God, I sound so stupid."

"No you don't." Cat took her hand back and Jade was kind of relieved, only to stiffen again as fingers brushed her cheek. Jade's head snapped up, watching the girl warily, but Cat only smiled at her and offered a shrug of her own. "I get what you mean, kind of. Some feelings don't have names."

Jade smiled, though it was faint and soft it was something and it was for Cat. The other girl brightened considerably and Jade wondered why, why Cat was so curious about someone as unfriendly and unlikable as herself. "Cat, your nose is running."

"If I wiped it on your blanket would you kill me?"

"A painful death. Go get a Kleenex, sicko."


	4. Chapter 4

It was almost overnight that it happened. It wasn't gradual, it was instant; one day Jade was far away, and the next, Cat was touching her, talking to her. Jade trusted her.

It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is, when someone like Jade trust you when you know she's never trusted anyone before. Cat felt special; for once her in her life she really felt like she had a purpose. They talked about her brother a lot, and the accident, and they talked about Jade just not knowing why. It was hard for Jade to talk and Cat understood that, could see it in her eyes when they darted away, when Jade's voice lowered to a mumble. But Cat always listened. Always.

They went to that same bench almost every afternoon and talked. Sometimes it's about cutting and they compare scars. Jade's are angry and white and Cat's are pink and soft. Jade traced them with her fingers occasionally and it made Cat's spine turn to pudding. It was an oddly comforting feeling, like Jade was taking out all of the bad meanings behind them and replacing them with gentle touch.

Cat just liked looking at her. Jade comes off as this hard, jagged person with all of these points that will cut you if you get too close, but Jade always let Cat rest her head on her shoulder, put a hand on her knee, stroke her hair. Jade was kind of like an egg, Cat thought; hard on the outside, soft on the inside. All she had to do was crack the shell a little bit and peer inside.

"Earth to Cat."

Cat jerked out of her thoughts, turning quickly to face the other girl. "Hm? What?"

Jade smirked. Cat liked that facial expression above all of the other ones. She wasn't sure why, it was just so ... magical, and Cat liked magic.

"I'm offended, you weren't even listening to me."

"Yes I was! I mean, I was daydreaming. But it was about you, so that makes up for it." Cat beamed, patting the girl's leg.

Jade's eyebrows flew up. Cat liked Jade's eyebrows, too. They were very expressive and easy to read. They told Cat exactly was going on behind them. "You were daydreaming about me?" She laughed, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Cat instinctively curled her fingers toward it, tucking her fingers through the dark brown locks. Jade just watched her, gnawing at her lip for a moment before nudging Cat's side with her elbow. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"What did your daydream consist of?"

"I already told you. You."

"I know that," Jade laughed again and Cat loved that sound. It was so easy. "But, I mean, what about me?"

Cat smiled again, head tilting as her eyes rolled upward, as if trying to peer inside her own skull. "I was thinking about how you're actually really nice. And soft. Not all hard like you act." Her lips pursed for a moment. She had never been one to lie or hold back; mostly because she never really thought about thinks before she said them, but for once she took a moment to carefully think about her next words. Her eyes shifted back to Jade who was watching her expectantly, green eyes weighing her down. And the words just spilled out before she could stop them, "And about how beautiful you are."

Cat was known for saying things like that without thinking about how they could be socially awkward. She was used to people blinking in surprise at her, thus she wasn't surprised when Jade tilted backward, those black eyebrows shifting across her forehead. "What?"

"I said 'and about how' -"

"No, I heard you." Jade leaned forward again and Cat couldn't help but notice that it was a little closer than they had been previously. For some reason, it made her heart pick up, beating furiously in her chest like it wast trying to drum its way out. "You think I'm, er, beautiful?"

Cat furrowed her brow. "Well, yeah. Duh." Jade was gorgeous, was this not known to the other girl? Cat lifted her hand, prodding the other girl's forehead. "Do you not own a mirror or something?"

Jade's mouth opened, then closed, and Cat thought it was kind of funny. Like a fish. She giggled behind her hand and Jade looked across the garden, at the trails winding through it. Cat followed her gaze. Really, though, had Jade never been told that before?

"You're beautiful, too."

Cat turned back, her own surprise flittering through her face. She had been told she was pretty, mostly by her mom, but compliments can come from anyone, it doesn't mean they matter. Words are just words and from certain people they're empty, even if the person saying them in sincere. But as Cat watched Jade staring at her, with their own blushes rising to their cheeks, it was like being told she was beautiful for the first time, because it was the first time it had ever come from someone that really meant something.

"Thank you," Cat said, her voice suddenly breathless, and she inhaled sharply to try and steady herself. Jade smiled, her lips splitting to show her teeth and it was wide and genuine and real and before Cat could stop herself, her hand was raising. She just had to touch it, had to memorize it because it was so rare and she wanted to keep it in her fingers. Cat's thumb rested on Jade's lower lip and ran across it. She was focused on the stretch of the lips, the full, pink pull from corner to corner, and Jade made this weird sound, like her breath was catching in her throat and couldn't find its way out.

Cat raised her eyes to Jade's. It was just like the movies, Cat thought somewhere in the back of her mind. It was exactly how the movies made it seem; like time was stopping and there was no control, just _doing_, and Cat didn't think of anything else as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Jade's. And then she was flooded with all of these weird sensations; warmth, lots of warmth, mixed with things she couldn't explain. She could still feel the smile on her thumb as it held Jade's chin, could taste it on her lips when she pulled away.

Cat breathed heavily and Jade seemed to be too, her chest heaving in and out like she was drowning. Cat's eyes were stuck on Jade's face, on her lips, and it came back slowly, what she had just done. Her hand fluttered to her mouth, touched her lips, as if making sure they were real.

"Jade -"

Jade stood so fast Cat would have missed it if she had blinked, turning her head upward to gaze at the standing girl. Jade's eyes were far away, staring across the garden.

"Jade, I'm -" What was she? Sorry? No, that wasn't it, she wasn't sorry ... she didn't know what she was, but she felt like words were needed now. She couldn't think of any, though, and then Jade walked away, into the center, leaving her on the bench staring into the empty space she had occupied.

Cat touched her lips again and she wasn't sure if she had just destroyed something or created something new. Maybe she had done both.

* * *

Jade shut the door behind her and pressed her forehead against it. Her breathing was erratic and fast and she couldn't stop it, couldn't even it out. Her hands spread themselves on the door, holding herself up, for her knees felt weak and shaky and she wasn't sure how much longer they would hold up.

She made her way slowly to her bed, sinking into the mattress. That felt better. She rubbed at her knees for a moment, eyes closing, because she didn't want to look across the room and see the bedspread and then think of a certain redhead -

Jade shook her head and subconsciously licked her lips.

Oh, God, she could taste her.

Fruit.

Jade fell back on the bed and curled on her side, knees to her chest. Her heart was the only thing she could hear, pounding in her ears, rushing, reminding her quite loudly that she was alive.

Why did Cat kiss her? Why did she have to do that? Jade found herself tracing her lips again, warm from Cat, and her fingers were trembling. Was she ... mad? Jade couldn't figure out if she was angry or shocked or upset, but she knew she wanted to cut. She wanted to cut badly. She rubbed her wrists together until the skin was hot. She didn't want to think about Cat smiling eagerly up at her, she didn't want to think about the girl touching her lips and telling her she was beautiful or that she belonged in magazines, she just wanted to watch blood swell to the surface of her wrist.

She was terrified of being happy because with being happy, there's the risk that it could be taken away. If you're miserable all of the time, that's something you don't have to worry about.

Jade had lived by this concept most of her life and the white scars on her skin were proof of that. They were like bars, locking her in her misery so she would never have to worry about losing happiness. You can't lose something you don't have. She had decided she'd rather never be happy than lose it. It was an ugly truth but truth nonetheless and she wasn't about to let a weird girl at that crazy center tear down the walls she had spent years building with a kiss.

She wouldn't. She couldn't. She should, God, she should, and somehow she understood that, but that didn't mean she had to or that it was a smart idea. The right one, maybe, but right ideas are hardly ever smart.

She ran her fingers in her hair and pulled, searching for some kind of pain, but it was dull and not enough. Not sharp. Not what she was used to or needed. She rolled over. She felt like she should be crying but Jade West never cried, never showed weakness that way, and so she just stared at the magenta bedspread across the room.

And thought about a certain redhead.


	5. Chapter 5

Jade didn't so much as look at Cat for two days. Cat sat on the other side of the room, mere feet away, and Jade's eyes didn't even glance.

Cat, on the other hand, spent most of her time staring in disbelief at the dark-haired girl in therapy, at meals, when the two were shut up in their room. She didn't try to talk to her because she didn't want Jade to lash out at her with her words that hurt more than any fist could.

So Cat festered in her thoughts for two days. She was mad - not at herself, but at Jade. She was acting so childish about all of this. It was just a kiss. That's it.

But maybe it was more important than that. Maybe it wasn't just a kiss.

Cat rolled over in her bed. It was the second night Jade hadn't spoken to her, the second night Cat struggled to sleep. She stared at the cream colored wall and reached out and touched it, tracing letters. It took her a few moments to realize her fingers were spelling 'Jade', over and over. She paused, just for a moment, before resuming the tracing. She liked Jade's name. She wasn't about to lie about that.

Cat didn't lie about anything. She was weird but honest. She wasn't going to lie about the way butterflies emerged in her stomach whenever those green eyes flicked at her, she wasn't going to lie about her fluffy want to be around her all the time, she wasn't going to lie and say that she didn't want that kiss because she did. It was a nice kiss. For the few, brief moments her mouth was pressed to Jade's, she was happy, and her scars disappeared.

It was a nice feeling and she could only hope Jade felt the same. Though, obviously, Cat didn't have much faith, not with the way the other girl was acting.

Cat sat up abruptly, peering at the darkness in front of her. It felt heavy. Her brown eyes gazed at nothing for a long time, simply listening to her thoughts buzzing inside her skull, until she finally turned to gaze at Jade's back. The other girl was hunched over, curled tightly in the fetal position.

Cat slipped out of the bed. She was done with this. She had given Jade time, hoping she would talk to her, and she hadn't. So Cat would just have to take it into her own hands. She wasn't afraid.

"Jade?"

It wasn't late, and she knew Jade was awake by the way her back tensed at her voice.

"Jade, talk to me." Cat moved forward, kneeling on the floor by the bed.

"I'm sleeping."

"Really? I didn't know people talked in their sleep."

She heard Jade huff and move further away from her, toward the wall. "I'm _trying _to sleep, Red."

Cat, despite herself, smiled. Jade was obviously still upset, but still found herself fond enough to use that nickname. Cat straightened her legs, leaning over the other girl, and swept the river of brown hair to the side until she found the girl's ear. She tilted downward, lips brushing the shell of the girl's ear as she spoke one word; begging, a plea. "Please."

She could see that Jade's eyes were open, green orbs slid to the corner, watching her. Cat's lower lip wedged between her teeth as she waited; she just wanted a few words. She wanted Jade to really look at her like she had two days ago, before she kissed her. And even while she was thinking that, Cat didn't for a second regret kissing her. She would never regret it. It was the first time she felt like her scars didn't exist and she would never, ever regret having that feeling.

Finally, Jade sat up, swinging her legs to the floor. She watched the redhead carefully, gauging her as she perched beside her on the edge of the bed. Cat instinctively reached for the girl's hands, but Jade shrank away, her hands twitching on the opposite side of her lap.

Cat blinked blankly, her eyes prying through the dark to watch as Jade avoided her gaze, staring into her lap.

"Really?"

Jade's head lowered and Cat hoped it was in shame. She huffed loudly, the sound seeming to magnify in the dark, reaching to forcefully take the girl's hands. Cat half expected her to pull away, to yank them back like Cat's touch was disgusting, but Jade actually relaxed, leaning toward the redhead like she was melting the tension out of her.

"I only have ten days left," Cat mumbled, her thumbs running over the girl's hands. She heard Jade swallow hard next to her and Cat lifted her head, frowning at the other girl. "I don't want to spend them like this. I won't kiss you anymore, I just wanted to. So I did."

Jade pressed her lips in a flat line and Cat watched the muscles shift in the girl's face. It really was a pretty face. Cat released one of Jade's hand and ran her knuckles under the girl's eye. Jade turned toward her, watching her slowly, and her lips parted.

"It wasn't that," Jade whispered. Cat tucked the girl's hair behind her ear and frowned, her brows knitting together. If that wasn't what Jade was upset about, then why had she spent two days avoiding her?

Jade looked away again, at the one hand still holding Cat's, and closed her eyes. Cat's fingers played with Jade's hair expertly, knowing by now the way to weave through it without tugging or causing the girl pain. Cat liked that in such a short amount of time, she knew how to touch Jade, how to talk to her, what to say ... you rarely meet those people. The ones where you know what to do at any given time. Cat wasn't about to lose Jade, not now.

"Then why have you been avoiding me?"

Jade's hand closed tightly around the other girl's, lifting her head. And Cat had never seen Jade look so ... frightened.

"I'm scared," she said, the words soft and beaten. Cat frowned further. She didn't like Jade's voice like that, she wanted to see the indestructible, terminator Jade in those green eyes, not fear. "I've never really had friends ... I've never cared much about anybody -"

"Do you ever think that that's why you cut?" Cat couldn't help herself from interrupting, reaching down to gather Jade's wrists in her hands. She lifted them, examining the scars for the hundredth time, running her fingertips over them. "Because you think you should be alone?"

"I ..."

Cat brought one wrist to her mouth and kissed the scars, mimicking the gesture to the opposite. Cat smiled, lifting her gaze to Jade's, blinking in surprise.

"Are you crying?"

Jade blinked, the action causing tears to fall over the brim over her eyes and leave wet trails down her cheeks. She tried to tear her wrists from Cat's hands but the redhead wasn't about to allow it, holding them tightly and watching the tears make their way to Jade's broad jawline.

"Cat -"

Cat uncurled her fingers slowly, though before Jade had a chance to wipe them away, Cat's hands were raising to hold the other girl's cheeks. She brought her closer, thumbs brushing the tears from her cheeks. They were warm on her skin, making Jade's cheeks glisten in the dark room. Brown eyes locked with green and it was like Cat could see Jade's pain etched there, stuck, carved deeper than the scars on her arms. "You're not alone, Jade." Cat studied the eyes as the words registered, the lids closing over them briefly. Cat shifted Jade's face to urge them open; those emerald orbs were too beautiful to be closed. "I promise."

Her eyes flicked to Jade's lips again and a pull centered in her chest, drawing her forward. Cat tilted her eyes upward, catching Jade's once more to find them hooded and heavy.

"Can I kiss you?"

Jade licked her lips, leaving them moist, and Cat watched them again, her lips buzzing with anticipation. She watched the "yes" leave them with a flash of teeth. Cat smiled, watching Jade's eyes close as she pressed her mouth to hers. This kiss was better because Jade was prepared and kissed back, hard, almost desperate, as if trying to make up for her past mistake. Cat held to her face, fingers slipping to thread into her hair. She felt something hot and wet run over her lips, parting them in a silent gasp as a tongue probed the inside of her mouth. Cat never thought she'd ever like the taste of someone elses mouth, but Jade tasted really, really good. Her mind soon became gone and again that feeling that her scars weren't there, that they weren't important anymore ... it was like her skin was pure again when Jade touched it, erasing the nights spent curled up with a razor.

The kiss broke with heavy pants from the both of them, Cat's head swimming. Her gaze drifted up slowly, watching Jade's. Jade smiled, that familiar strength hardening in her eyes. She leaned back, patting her bed.

"Maybe you can sleep with me tonight."

Cat beamed, rolling backwards on the bed. Jade curled beside her, her chest to Cat's back, and draped an arm over her waist.

There were no scars here.

* * *

" '_Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive ... something something puzzle piece I've been trying to find_ -"

"Are you really serenading me with Miranda Cosgrove?" Jade tugged the girl closer by their clasped hands, smiling at the singing redhead. They wound their way through the garden, stepping carefully over one of the many bridges. It really was a beautiful place, once you got past the boring-as-all-hell counselors.

"See, the fact that you know who sings it is almost as bad as me knowing the lyrics." Cat nudged the girl with her shoulder, smirking.

Jade laughed. Laughing felt really good. She was unsure why she had spent most of her life not laughing.

Well, she wasn't unsure. She knew why. She knew that she had avoided people because it meant not getting attached to them, and not getting attached to them meant not getting hurt when they left. Jade's eyes hardened slightly, shifting to the blue sky. She still felt like she was made of stone, at least a part of her, but Cat was fixing that. Fixing her. She could feel things, like laughter, and it felt good. It felt really good.

Good in the way scary things feel. Like when you drive really fast. You feel invincible, but you know that at any minute, at any time, a deer could come running into the road.

A kid.

A cat.

And you might hit it.

Jade turned her eyes to the still singing Cat, smiling softly at her and she wondered when and if she would ever one day just not be there anymore.

"When we get out if here," Cat was saying, twirling a finger around a red lock of hair, "I'm going to take you to the beach, and - oh! You'll get to see my room and, oh man, I can't _wait _to see your room, I bet it's fantastic, and we can go to coffee shops ..."

Cat had no worries about the future, but all Jade could think about was losing her, hurting her. Her skin burned.

She abruptly stopped walking, pulling Cat close and kissing her hard on the mouth. She felt the surprise in the other girl's lips, but it soon melted, Cat's hands holding Jade's shoulders. When they broke apart, Cat looked slightly dazed, and Jade grinned, feeling rather smug knowing she had that kind of effect on someone.

"Well, hello," Cat mumbled, smirking at the taller girl.

"Just shutting up my thoughts." Jade resumed walking with Cat stuck to her side.

"_My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you_ ..."


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:**_ Sorry for the late updates. School has started here, so my updates are going to be a bit slower than they were in the summer. I apologize!_

* * *

Jade was happy. Really. She could feel it in her chest somewhere, pulsing in time with her heart when she would wake up to Cat rubbing her eyes, or when the girl sat beside her at the lunch table, held her hand in the garden, kissed her lips when the door closed. It was beautiful, Cat was beautiful, and Jade had never been closer to happiness than she was those last ten days of Cat's scheduled stay.

But her skin burned. It ached. It begged.

She found her nails digging at it more than once.

She didn't understand any more than she understood why she started cutting in the first place, but Cat's face was a trigger, and every moment spent with her was torn between being so happy she could barely stand it, and wanting to run away and slice her skin until it all fell off.

The therapists are either oblivious, or Jade was a terrific liar.

She came to Stowe's in the mindset that her cutting wasn't bad, that it was just as normal as smoking or drinking or doing yoga or whatever, but when she sees the frown on Cat's face when those fingers trace over her scars, she feels bad. She feels bad because Cat is likes her skin, likes kissing it and touching it, and the scars just remind them why they're there in the first place. Something is wrong with them, and it's not normal, and it's not healthy, but Jade's skin was screaming for something sharp.

She didn't have any blades, just Cat. Cat's face, reminding her that once you're happy, you could be unhappy like _that_.

Jade watched the redhead from the other side of the room, her nails skimming along the soft, scarred flesh of her wrist as she studied the girl's profile; the sweet slope of her nose, the thick eyelashes that batted all too innocently, and Jade felt like she had to do something before she lost her.

Or she had to lose her before she really had her.

It's not that Jade liked sadness anymore than the next person, but it was all she had ever known.

She pressed her hands to her forehead and stared at the table, at her nametag, the swirl of the 'J' and the inward cut of the 'E'. Jade. What was she? Who was she? Were her scars really all she knew anymore? She let her arms fall bottom up on the table and traced each pink slash with her eyes, remembered giving them to herself as vividly as if they had been put there just a few moments ago. They begged to be cut open again, pleaded to bleed all over the table and be the same color as Cat's hair. Why does Jade deserve Cat? She doesn't. She doesn't deserve Cat. Cat deserves sunshine and Jade is nothing but rain clouds.

"Jade? Do you feel like sharing?"

Jade glanced up, dark eyes swimming over the faces that were staring back at her. The therapist in the center of the room raised her eyebrows at the girl, tilting her head as she readjusted the notebook upon her knee.

Jade twisted her lips and looked away, picking at her nails absently. She met Cat's eyes across the way and gave her a light-hearted smile before shrugging. "No. Not really."

"What are you thinking about?"

The girl huffed, turning back to the therapist with narrowed eyes. Therapists were such nosy people, though Jade assumed that was part of the job description. She raised her shoulders and let them drop heavily, slumping over the table. "I'm thinking about food, because I'm hungry."

"Jade. Really. I saw all kinds of thoughts in your eyes just now."

Jade pursed her lips, once more glancing at Cat as if seeking for some kind of comfort. The other girl beamed at her, encouraging her to contribute, and Jade, as she so often did, felt the words bubble in her throat before she had a chance to stop them.

"What if you're afraid to be happy?" Jade jerked her eyes back to the counselor, who blinked in surprise. "Like, you always say you want us to be happy. But what if we've never been happy? What if being anything but miserable is terrifying?"

The therapist blinks in silence, as if the idea that being happy could be scary has never occurred to her. The room falls silent, the kids shuffling uneasily because they don't want to think that happiness, they thing they all truly want, could be something scary. There is the sound of shifting bodies and a rustle of paper as the therapist tries to think of something to say, and Jade doesn't realize what she's done or what she's said, really, because those thoughts have always been normal for her.

"Everything's scary."

Every head turns and Jade blinks across at Cat. The girl is looking away from them, twirling her thumbs, eyes on her desk. "Everything is scary," she repeats slowly, shrugging her shoulders. "That doesn't mean you don't take a chance. You don't - you can't let fear control you any more than you can let cutting control you." She lifts her eyes then, brown eyes fluttering to Jade across the room. Her lips pull into a smile. "Because if you do, we wouldn't ... do anything."

Jade turns her head away and stares at her nametag again, then at her open arms, and back at her nametag. She doesn't want her scars to be her name anymore.

* * *

"That was all very insightful back there. Very Buddha. I liked it."

Cat smiled, tucking her face close to Jade's shoulder. "I felt all inspired." The girl raised her hands and fluttered them for a moment, laughing. When she turned her nose back to Jade's shirt, she could smell her. She couldn't name the scent, but she wondered if Jade's house smelled like that; if her room did, if her bed did ... it was nice, imagining laying there at night, wrapped in Jade's arms. Cheesy, sure, but the thought of being all wrapped up and tucked close to Jade's chest was more appealing than she was willing to admit.

Actually, she was willing to admit it.

Because she really liked Jade. Really. Her scars didn't seem so daunting anymore.

Jade's finger traced the length of her spine and Cat's eyes stayed on the garden before them. It was late. The sky was heavy. She turned her face up, brown eyes watching Jade's as they stared out over the courtyard. Cat's hand lingered on her thigh, giving it a slight squeeze. Jade was better than when she had arrived, but she still seemed so very far away. Cat had a hold of her, sure, but that was only for now, and she didn't like things when she knew they could change so easily.

"Are you okay?"

Jade huffed, glancing down briefly before nodding. "You know I hate it when people ask me that. If I wasn't, I'd say so."

"You would not," Cat mumbled, breathing in as deeply as she could to bring Jade into her. "And I'm just concerned, you know. I care about you and stuff."

"And stuff."

Cat reached up, grabbing Jade's hand resting on her shoulder and bringing it to her lips, pressing a soft kiss to the hard knuckles. She didn't look, but she could feel Jade blinking at her as she so often did, as if she truly confused her. Cat played with the girl's fingers for a time. They were so cold. "And stuff," Cat agreed, kissing the digits again.

There was silence for a time, the sun steadily sinking and taking with it what little light there was left.

"You only have five days left."

Jade's voice was distant and hard. Cat stared at the ground beneath them, frowning. Her days were ticking away faster than she wanted them to. She had no intention of ever losing touch with Jade - God no - but Jade still had another week or so to finish. It didn't seem like long, but for cutters, every hour was a lifetime, and without Jade ... it would be centuries before she saw her again.

"You're right behind me," Cat offered, rubbing the girl's leg absently. "You'll be out before you notice I'm gone."

Jade huffed again, loudly, more tense. "Yeah, right. I probably won't even sleep."

Cat tilted her head up again, surprised by the amount of torture creasing its way across Jade's face. Cat's hands fluttered around her cheeks, steering her eyes to her own and biting her lip in concern. "Jade, don't worry about it, okay? It's not that long, and then we'll finally get to hang out in coffee shops and bookstores and the beach and my room and your room ..." Cat smiled just at the thoughts alone, imagining Jade out of this setting, where she's not a cutter, and Cat imagined Jade's flesh never being torn open again. "Okay?"

And while Jade smiled, and while she nodded in agreement and tugged the girl's body to her chest, she knew the worry in Jade's eyes wouldn't leave.

Cat kissed her hard on the mouth, if just to feel some of the tension melt away from her. She kissed her to try and and make her feel just a little bit better.

* * *

Jade hated to admit it, hated to even think it, but she was almost relieved the morning she woke up and realized through a fog of sleep that Cat was to leave in a few hours.

She turned and looked at her, the girl's head tucked against her shoulder. She leaned down slightly and pressed her lips to the girl's hair, frowning against it. Well, maybe not all of her wanted Cat to go, but the cutter did. She wanted to push her away before things got out of hand. And maybe, maybe once Cat was out of here, Jade could slowly convince herself that those sun-lit days in the garden holding her hand were exaggerated feelings. Feelings that could only take place here, at Stowe's.

Her dark eyes locked on the ceiling above her and she tries to hold on to this, Cat curled beside her, breathing against her skin. Jade wants to want this, wants to be sure of the fact that when Cat leaves she'll just have to wait a little while before she's back in her arms.

But this is different. This is strange, and this is dangerous. For Cat and her both.

Jade huffs loudly, eyes closing.

She doesn't want to love anyone, and with this redhead, she's getting close. Too close.

* * *

"You're eleven days behind me, Jade. That's it. Eleven days."

Cat held the girl's cheek as she stood in the lobby, chewing her lip. People stared as they walked by; they were so close, and the space seemed entirely too intimate for just the two of them. Cat watched Jade's black eyes skitter away, gazing at something else, avoiding her.

"Jade?"

"That's a lot of empty nights." Jade smiled then, laughing lightly. "I am such a whiner."

Cat grinned tightly, bringing their foreheads together. "Yeah, well, I'd rather you whine than, well, you know."

Jade nodded slowly, turning her face to kiss the girl's palm. Her eyes lingered on Cat's wrist, the redhead circling her arms around the taller girl's neck and bringing her to her chest.

"Eleven days, Jade." Cat pulled back slightly, her fingertips trailing over Jade's jawline as she took a step back, readjusting the backpack on her shoulder. "Eleven."

When she turned and left, her mother and brother waiting anxiously in the parking lot, she threw one look over her shoulder. But Jade wasn't watching her, or waving her goodbye; she was walking quickly out of the lobby and disappearing. Cat frowned, letting her eyes flick over the building slowly.

What if what happened at Stowe's, stayed at Stowe's? Cat felt her mother's hand on her shoulder, turning her around, but she just wanted to see those black eyes floating in the window, waving at her, blowing her a kiss, anything ... but there was nothing, and Cat watched the building disappear in the back window her car.


	7. Chapter 7

Jade felt like she had just gotten off of a rollercoaster. Her heart wouldn't calm itself, her palms were sweaty, and her brain was spinning.

The day Cat left, she curled on her mattress in her bedroom and pressed her face to the pillow. She could smell the girl there, thick and heavy, filling her lungs every time she inhaled, and when her black eyes cast across the room and stared at Cat's empty, bare bed, she felt a sob shake her chest.

She had to stop this. They had had their time and it had been beautiful, but this was too much to lose. Jade had had nothing before this, and when you had nothing, you didn't have to worry about driving fast. You didn't have to worry about a deer or a cat darting into the street, because if you hit it, it wouldn't make a difference to you. But now Jade has someone in the passenger seat and she can't, she just can't do this.

Her nails sank into the flesh of her wrist, dragging down. Her mouth split with a cry, rolling away from the pillow and pressing her forehead to the wall on the other side of the bed. Her skin screamed as nails dragged over old scars, a rush of sweet pain numbing her mind. Pain brought her reason, made her think more clearly, if one could call this clarity, and she was too broken for Cat.

Cat deserved someone who could hold her together and Jade deserved to drive her car straight into a tree.

That way, she wouldn't worry about hitting a deer or a cat.

She wouldn't have to worry about the person in the passenger seat.

Jade stayed there until she was called into her individual therapy, her therapist asking her countless questions as to why her eyes were puffy and red. Jade assured her she just missed home, she couldn't wait to see her parents again. And she smiled and nodded, told the therapist she was having a case of homesickness, and the woman patted her hand and said she was doing well and she'd be home soon.

If she only knew.

Jade fell heavily into the bench she had shared her first kiss with Cat as the sun began to fall, staring blankly into the flowers surrounding her. She tried to think rationally, running her fingers over the scratches on her wrist. Cat told her she deserved to be happy, why didn't she believe it?

Jade's head fell back, hair tumbling down her back as her eyes focused on the dying sky above her. Maybe some people are just born with sadness etched into their bones. If that was the case, all over her bones were carved, down to the tiny ones in her fingers. And every scar were her bones seeping to the surface, trying to make it clear to her, to everyone, that happiness is too terrifying.

Her hands clenched over her knees. At least Cat had a reason, at least Cat could tell people why she did what she did. Jade had nothing. Jade was just sad.

She shook her head to herself and let herself keel over, head between her knees. She couldn't hide anywhere, Cat was a permanent scent on her skin now. Her hair smelled like her, her hands, her scars. Jade couldn't run away from her, not here, but once she was out of Stowe's she would slam her feet on the concrete in the opposite direction of Cat. It took hardly any effort to tear herself to pieces, to bring herself down, and it can only be easier if you have someone to reach out and take down with you. And she couldn't do that to Cat, she had already done too much to her as it was, and maybe in time Cat would forget.

And what was Jade supposed to do then? She'd go to school, finish up, get a lousy job, live by herself. She would cut, she would do everything she's done since forever.

She would be alone.

Cat would soon become fuzzy and distant, far away and easy to forget. She'd think about being here at this place, about a redhead she used to kiss. And she'd shake her head, she would slide a blade over her vein, and turn the volume up on her TV. Who knows, maybe she'd get a dog.

God knows she'd want to push that out in the rain, too.

"Jesus," Jade mumbled, rubbing her forehead in exasperation. "I am a fucking mess."

Mess was an understatement. Her thoughts were scrambled and her heart was torn, and her scars pulsed to remind her why Cat was too fragile to be kept in her hands. She'd crush her without ever meaning to.

She finally dragged herself back inside, walking numbly past the other kids and down to her room. She ignored the empty bed as she sank into her own, but not without tearing the pillow case from her pillow first. She tossed it across the room, though it did little to block out the scent of Cat, soft and thick, filling the room. She shoved the blankets to the floor, tore off the sheets, and put her hands over her nose, but it didn't do anything.

Even if she couldn't smell her, she could feel her.

Jade closed her eyes and begged sleep to come and tug her down into a space where she could just forget, where she could pretend she wouldn't wake up.

* * *

Cat always followed her intuition, and she didn't have to be told that was something was wrong to know there was.

That first night was torture, her hands rubbing her arms as she sank into her bed. Her room was bright and familiar, and though she was still uneasy about leaving Jade at Stowe's, she found comfort in her purple walls, her collage of magazine cutouts, her red bedspread. But even though she was home, her chest felt empty and her hands felt useless not holding Jade's.

Jade was in a place Cat wasn't sure she knew, but she would try to get there. She would reach for her. Cat peeled back her sleeves, touched her scars. They seemed so silly now, so out of place on her skin, and she would carry them forever. She'd carry them wherever she went. When she was old and dying, she would still have them, and she'd be able to say that at least they didn't kill her.

Cat wanted to live. Cat wanted to live without blades, without pain, and she wanted to be happy.

But she couldn't be happy knowing Jade wasn't.

She slept restlessly, twisting in her empty sheets. She couldn't smell Jade here all too well and it bothered her, made it incredibly difficult to close her eyes and slip away into the comfort of sleep knowing that when she woke up, she would be alone. She dreamed of Jade, of that garden, of holding her hand and following the trails and getting lost. She dreamed of Jade crying, pushing her away. She dreamed of Jade drowning in a pool of blood.

Cat's eyes flew open the following morning, clutching at her chest, blinking with confusion at her room. The relief that flooded her was enough to make her sag back to the mattress. She waited until she settled, brown eyes blinking away sleep as she stared at the ceiling. She could hear the faint sounds of her mother making breakfast downstairs, her younger brother's TV screaming through the walls.

Cat pulled back the blanket and let her feet dip to the floor, holding her arms as she moved out of her room and next door. She rolled her knuckles against her brother's door, his voice chirping happily through the wood.

"Come in!"

She slipped inside. Her red hair caused her brother to point and laugh, Cat grinning as she sat beside him on the floor. Her eyes lingered on the scars upon his own arms, the white, raised flesh decorating him and disappearing under his shirt.

"I'm really sorry about that." Cat reached out and touched her brother's elbow, who nudged her playfully.

"You say that a lot, Catarina. It was a long time ago. Don't worry about. Besides," he wiggled his eyebrows at her, grinning. "I tell the ladies I have battle wounds."

Cat smiled weakly as he turned back to his video game. His scars weren't a choice. He was happy.

Cat could be too. Jade could be.

Cat touched her brother's back, leaned in and kissed his cheek before moving out of the room again. Her mother smiled and hugged her, petted her hair and ate breakfast with her. Her dad kissed her head before leaving for work and she was wrapped in a house of warmth and love.

She was so lucky and she didn't even realize it.

As soon as her mother stopped fluttering over her ever move, Cat took the phone and carried it to her room, her fingers running over it anxiously. She perched on her bed and dialed Stowe's number, listening to the distant ring with a building rush of breath.

"Hello, this is Stowe's Self-Help, I'm Amy, how can I help you?"

Cat smiled into the phone. "Hey, Amy. It's Cat."

"Cat! Hey, girl, how are you doing? It's good to be home, hm?"

"Oh yeah. Hey, could you tell Jade to call me? Or is she available right now?"

There was a ruffle of papers on the other end, followed by Amy clicking her tongue. "Sorry, hun. She's in individual therapy right now, but I can definitely tell her to call you once she's done."

Cat beamed. "Thanks, Am."

She hovered around the phone all day, carrying it with her, constantly checking to see that the line was working. She played video games with her brother with it cradled in her lap, she ate with it sitting beside her plate. And when darkness fell, and the day was over, she curled with it beside her pillow. She knew there was a curfew, she knew Jade was in 'lights out' right now, but she hoped and waited and no one called her.

* * *

_"Jade! Cat called, she wants you to call her back, okay?"_

Jade pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Why did she have to call so soon, why did Cat have to tempt her like that?

The room was hot. Early July made the room too stuffy, and she knew if Cat were there she would be tearing off her clothes and parading around in her bra and underwear. Jade's lips twitched despite themselves, Jade smothering the smile with the back of her hand. Her knees slipped to her chest.

It would get easier, Jade figured as she inhaled sharply through her nose and let Cat travel to her lungs. As soon as she had a blade to prick at her skin, it would be much easier.


	8. Chapter 8

The eleven days ticked by. Jade recorded them in how many times someone came to tell her she had a phone call, how many times she said she would call whoever it was later, how many sessions she had to fake her way through. Jade rolled over every morning to an empty bed on the other side of the room, to sheets broken and lonely, and she woke up only to press her face to the pillow and force building tears back into her tear ducts.

She would not keep doing this to herself or to Cat. It wasn't fair on either of side. Jade was shattered, her cracks unable to heal, and Cat, Cat was ...

Cat was something else entirely, on a plane Jade would never be able to reach. It was brutal truth, but truth nonetheless.

Jade shifted through those last few days avoiding the office, avoiding the other kids, only speaking when spoken too, but, no matter where she went, Cat was there. In her room, she couldn't open her eyes without seeing Cat perched on the other bed, chewing on the ends of her hair, and in the garden, around every corner was a wave of red hair. She wanted to chase her, hold her, hug her, kiss her, touch her, trace her scars like she had in their bedroom. She wanted to run her fingers through her hair, touch her lips, her eyes, the tender flesh on her collarbones. She wanted to lose herself in her skin.

But Jade's hands were created for destruction.

Jade had lost count of how many mornings she woke up wishing she hadn't woken up when counselors came in, helping her pack up. She smiled at them, even managed a few practiced laughed. They touched her shoulder, hugged her, brought her luggage to the door. She looked into their eyes and saw nothing, and a car swung into the parking lot. Jade grabbed her bags, didn't feel them, and made her way out the doors. They parted and closed like the building was ready to purge itself of her, like she was a toxin. Jade often felt like that, actually. Like she was poison.

"Jade?"

Jade's head lifted, confusion settling over her features only for shock to quickly replace it.

This was certainly not her mother.

Cat's arms crossed and her weight cocked to one hip. "I've called you a hundred times, Ms. West, and I don't know what your problem is but I know you have time because, hello, I lived here with you and I at least deserve an explanation as to why you're ignoring me-" She strides forward with each break in her words, her arm cocked and her finger extended like a gun. And then she's jabbing Jade in the chest and Jade is lost in Cat's angry, narrowed brown eyes. "-but if you think I'm just going to sit back and lose you, you're dead wrong, Jade, you are so wrong, and if you -"

"Stop."

Jade doesn't realize she's spoken until Cat stops, her finger faltering. Jade tooka slow step backwards, putting distance between her and Cat because if she got close enough, she would want to drown herself in her. Cat's hand fell, paralyzed by something she saw in Jade's broken eyes that fall between them. Jade shook her head, her hair falling in front of her face. Cat's hand reached up again, hesitating, her fingertips grazing Jade's hair before the other girl took another step back.

"Jade?"

Jade kept her eyes locked on the ground below her feet. Cat shouldn't be here, it made her heart thump far too loudly in her chest. She glanced up, her legs traveling the length of Cat's bare legs and her t-shirt. Her eyes lingered on Cat's lips, pulled into a frown, and she wanted to kiss them as carelessly as she had in their bed, in the garden ...

She glanced to Cat's wrists. They were bare, and the scars were soft and pink, but they were showing. They weren't tucked behind long sleeves or bracelets.

Cat wasn't afraid of them anymore.

Jade felt a smile's ghost pull at her lips. She was proud of Cat. She really was. Jade crossed her arms and let the twinge of the smile fall away, disappear on the plane of her face, and then she looked up, studied the girl before her.

"I can't do this," Jade said, because it was the honest truth, as much as it hurt her to say it. She really couldn't do this, but it required taking a chance she wasn't willing to take. Hurting Cat was out of the question, and when it came to Jade, she always ended up hurting everyone around her, given the time. She looked away, eyes narrowing on Stowe's that stretched to her left. The silence was thick, the late July air struggling past them, and the sun ducked behind a cloud. Hiding.

"You're ... breaking up with me?"

Jade can't stand the tremor in her voice, turning back to look at her with a sharp shake of her head. Cat's eyes are already welling up. Jade takes another step back, throwing her eyes toward the opening in the parking lot and all but screaming for her mom to come before she breaks, too, and falls into Cat's arms. "We were never together, Cat." Cat just doesn't understand, Jade told herself. Jade was poison.

"That is such crap!" Cat's arms fly at her sides and she stepped forward. She came with a wave of fruit clinging to her and Jade breathed it in without realizing it, her chest shuddering and it was too alluring for her own good, swallowing hard to keep from bursting forward and tasting her, to fill the hole in her chest. "Don't you even say that, Jade, you know that's a lie!"

Jade pushed herself forward until their noses were nearly touching. "What did you expect? Us to be a cute little couple, go out and hold hands and celebrate anniversaries?"

She didn't know why Cat's sudden anger surprised her; maybe because Cat just wasn't the type of person to harbor something so ... gross. Her face contorted, her skin flaring almost the same shade of her brilliant red hair as she shoved Jade's shoulders. Jade stumbled back, the weight of her suitcase throwing her off. She dropped it, her hands tossing themselves out as she tried to catch her balance. And then Cat was in her face again, brown eyes licking with fire she didn't know Cat could possess.

"Yes, that's exactly what I expected," she growled, her finger jabbing itself into Jade's sternum. "Because that's what you said you wanted."

Jade's eyebrow twitched. "Not anymore." But her voice cracked, chipped off her weakness and she could feel her eyes stinging. A car pulling in caught her attention, and even though the station wagon belonged to her parents, she felt no relief. She turned back to Cat, her throat struggling to keep her tone even as she spoke. "I can't do this," she says, ducking down to grab her bags, knuckles paling from the pressure. "I can't," Jade repeated, and then she turned and stomped toward the car.

Her mother smothered her in kisses, her tears mistaken as happiness, and when they pull out, Jade threw one last look.

Cat was still standing, staring at the space she had occupied, the wind playing with her hair.

* * *

Her wrists were screaming.

Cat fell into her bed, buried her face under her pillow, and howled.

The music grinding out of her stereo drowned it out, but only just barely.

She would not cut. She would not cut. She would not cut. She had no blades, she wanted to get better, her brother was happy with his scars, she would be happy with hers.

It wasn't her scars this time, though. It was Jade.

Cat clawed at her chest, desperate to tug her heart straight out and throw it away. What had it ever done for her? She gave it out, she let Jade hold it for a time, and all she had to do was wait eleven days; eleven days and their lives would finally start. Cat saw something Jade, a spark, a flicker, and though it was rough around the edges Cat wanted to hold it, nurture it, make it better and smoother and make Jade come to light.

And now her heart thudded painfully in her chest and her wrists begged to be split apart. She wanted blood, she wanted the sharp sting of pain as it raced to her brain and numbed everything else out. She wanted to take every day she had had at Stowe's and tear it to shreds.

She rubbed her wrists into the sheets, wishing the cotton would spring to life and slice her. It seemed so dramatic, so stupid; at least, the coherent, mature side of her thought so. It's just Jade. She's just a girl. She's just a person.

But she was Cat's girl, she was Cat's person. She was for a while, anyway, and Cat had never felt so attached, so not alone. Her scars had companions, someone to trace them and make the bitterness of each cut fall away and be replaced by something tender and caring. And Jade was lying when she said they were never together because they were. Cat could still feel it burning in her chest, on her lips, in her hands. Jade was full of it.

Jade was scared.

Cat's hysterics died. She rolled over and switched her stereo off and lay there in the rock-hard silence. Jade was scared. Jade was terrified, and Cat wasn't exactly sure if that was something she could fix, or even help to fix, not if Jade wanted to push her away so badly. But there was something in Jade's eyes when she said she couldn't do this. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she just genuinely believed that she couldn't.

Cat squeezed her eyes shut, pressed her fingers to her forehead and felt fresh tears slid down the sides of her head and get lost in her hair. Jade didn't understand, did she? Jade couldn't hurt her any more than Cat had hurt herself. Her scars were proof of the levels she had dropped to.

Nothing could hurt her more than blades and her own hands already had.

Cat sat up, held her wrists out, and stared at them; at her destruction, at her attempts to make herself happier. She would wear them forever. She would see them every day for the rest of her life. Every time something went wrong, she would imagine the short-lived pleasure those cuts brought her. People would notice. Some would ask. And she would tell them, "I was sick once", and then she would turn her wrists right side up and stare at them and tell them they were beautiful because healing is beautiful, unopened skin is beautiful, and the sweet victory of going to bed at night without a bandage strapped to her flesh was beautiful.

She wanted Jade to have that, too. She wanted Jade to not be afraid to gain things just because she was so terrified of loss. That wasn't living. That was existing. There was a difference. Cat knew that now. Her scars proved that she had just been getting by. She didn't want that. She wanted to live.

And she wanted to live with Jade.


	9. Chapter 9

_'Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive, almost like the puzzle piece -_

Jade punched at her radio until she was met with silence. Fuck Miranda Cosgrove. Fuck that song. Fuck the last person she heard sing it.

She slumped against her steering wheel, her forehead pressing hard to the leather. She trids to gather her thoughts, tried to put them in some kind of coherent order but she couldn't, she hadn't been able to for days. How many nights had it been since she left Stowe's? Three? Four? She doesn't know. Everything's been passing by her in a blur. Nothing stands out but the immense burning along her wrists. In fact, she's grateful for that; it makes the pain a lot less to swallow.

Jade isn't proud of them like she used to be. She peeled back her sleeves, examined the white gauze wrapped around her wrists. She's lucky, really; her parents thought she had been cured, didn't even think to look when she came downstairs that morning with a hooded sweatshirt on. They were so oblivious. Everyone was oblivious. All Jade had to do was fake a laugh and no one looked her way twice.

Cat would have looked. Cat would have noticed.

Jade's eyes squeezed shut, pushed against the bandages and felt that familiar throb of pain. Her mouth parted with a sharp cry as it shook her, and she remembered vividly taking a blade she unscrewed from a pencil sharpener and slashing it across her skin. It had been thirty some days since had last cut, and it took her only a few to relapse.

It felt amazing. She didn't care if that sounded sick or wrong, it did. It felt better than anything else she could ever imagine. She felt like herself again, like she was home, only until the endorphins rushed out of her brain and she was left staring at these two new additions to her collection of scars. They were longer than the rest of them, wider, deeper ... the blood had been all over her jeans. She had had to throw them away. A necessary sacrifice, she thought. But as she held her wrists in her lap and watched them bleed, for once in her life, Jade felt ashamed. Like she had genuinely done something wrong.

Cat would have cried for her.

Jade sat back in the car seat, staring out the window. She had simply left the house, said she was going to a friend's. Her parents didn't even ask, even though they knew Jade didn't have any friends. And so she just drove aimlessly, trying to find something she didn't know. She sped down the highway, glared at her high school, drove far out until she was on the outskirts she had never seen before and parked in front of a cemetery.

Of course she had to pick a cemetery. How much more morbid can one get? Jade thought this bitterly as she climbed out of the car. It was cold, and the clouds were swollen with the coming rain but Jade walked through the gate anyway. A hundred headstones protruded from the ground. Some were old and ugly, forgotten and trailed over with weeds while others stood tall and proud.

The angels watched her with outstretched hands. She looked right into their stone eyes and wondered if, when she died, they would put an angel over her grave.

She didn't deserve an angel. Hell, she didn't even deserve a tombstone. Hopefully they'd just throw her scarred body away. Let it rot somewhere where no one can see it. Let it dissolve in the earth, let her scars become one with the soil until there was nothing left of her at all.

Jade scowled. She was pathetic, really.

She perched next to a grave at random. The grass was wet and soaked through her jeans but she didn't care, leaning with a sigh on the stone beside her. She should have been creeped out, she thought, being in the middle of a graveyard with the sun hidden behind dark clouds, but she wasn't. In fact, she felt almost at peace here. The dead weren't going to judge her. They were probably envious of her life, of her scars, because at least she could still feel and bleed.

Jade wasn't sure how long she planned on staying, but it was almost like she dozed. Her head fogged up and her breathing became shallow. She felt like she was falling asleep, kind of, except it was much heavier than sleep. And though she tried to keep her head above the water of consciousness, she felt herself being pulled down. She tried not to think of Cat, because this was the most numbness she had ever felt, but the redhead's pretty face crept on her when her eyes fell closed like her eyelids were rocks and it was like through all of the sudden dizziness, Jade could smell her. Fruit.

Her arms raised, and through the cracks of her eyelids she could see her sleeves fall backwards.

Her bandages were an angry crimson. The blood was soaking through, trailing down her arms.

Jade should have screamed for help, but as she cast her hazing eyes toward the family of tombstones around her, she couldn't bring herself to.

* * *

Cat had never really believed in being psychic, so to speak, but maybe there was such a thing as a sixth sense. She just knew something was wrong, but what was she going to do about it? She didn't know where Jade lived and though she had called a thousand times, no one was answering. She might not have known what exactly was going on, but there was no denying the sick twist in her stomach every time Jade's face flared in front of her brain; which was pretty much nearly every second.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

Cat's mom's hand smoothed down her hair and Cat buried her face in the woman's neck for comfort. No, she wasn't okay. She wasn't okay because she didn't know if Jade was okay. Her mom's arms wrapped around her waist, pulled her close, and whispered in her ear that she would be all right. But she didn't understand; Cat knew that she was fine. She hadn't cut. She hadn't really wanted to, but every day was still a storm to get through. Jade wasn't there.

She went outside, glared at the gray sky above her, ripped out her cellphone and glared at that, too. She ran her fingers over the keys, sucked in a damp breath and dialed Jade's number. She didn't expect an answer, but she could listen to Jade's voicemail, couldn't she? She didn't care if it was creepy; it was all she had.

"Hello?"

Cat was so surprised by the voice on the other end that she simply stood there, frozen for a few seconds.

"Hello, who is this?"

"Uhm," Cat frowned. This wasn't Jade's voice. She pulled back her phone and studied the screen before pressing it back to her ear. "Is ... Jade there?"

"Are you a friend of hers?" The woman on the other end seemed panicked. "Do you know where she is? She's been gone since this morning."

Cat felt her heart lurch in her chest as she spun on her heel, jogging toward her car. "No, I don't, but I can help you look for her? I was with her at Stowe's -"

"Oh, God." There was the sound of a door slamming on her end. "Can you meet me at Southside school, sweetheart? We'll drive around and look for her, I'm so worried, she should have been home hours ago and she didn't take her phone with her. Oh, God, God."

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Cat all but fell into the car seat, jabbing the key into the ignition. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

Cat assumed it was Jade's mother - the panic was clear in her tone that she had lost her daughter, and Cat tried to keep her hands steady as she drove away from her house. She didn't have time to crash on her way to Jade. She would find her, if she had to weed her way through all of Hollywood, she would find her and shake her until she had some sense.

She beat Jade's mother to the school and as she sat in the parking lot she dug at her nails, picking the skin and chewing her knuckles. She jumped when she saw a van swing next to her, yanking down her window and meeting Jade's mother for the first time. The circumstances were terrible, but there was almost a comfort in seeing such a resemblance between the two. Cat knew now where Jade got those impossibly deep eyes from.

Jade's mom didn't even ask for her name, simply started pointing in random directions and screaming at Cat where she should start to look. And then they were gone, speeding out of the school and running against a clock they weren't sure the time on. Cat's heart was in her throat and she knew there was no way to keep herself calm, so she didn't even try; she screamed at her steering wheel, clenched it in her fingers like she wanted it to bust into pieces.

She drove for what felt like hours. She didn't know where to look but damnit, she swung on every road she saw and searched for Jade's car, remembering every detail Jade's mother had told her about it. It was green. Every vehicle even resembling the color had Cat all but slamming on her breaks, only to be met with someone else. It didn't matter. She wasn't going to give up.

Rain fell, abusing her windshield as she swung onto every road. Jade's mother called once and Cat wanted to melt with relief with good news on the other end, but there was no such luck. Cat assured her she would keep looking until they found something. Cat pressed the speed limit, swung through stop-signs; she didn't care. She had to find Jade. Now.

The rain was pounding when she spotted it; a car that could have been black or purple or blue for all Cat knew. It was getting dark. But it was the cemetery gates that caught her eye and caused her to hit the brakes.

That car was green.

She had never been this far away from town before, had never heard of this particular cemetery, but her heart was lurching and her gut was twisting and when she saw the purple beads dangling from the front mirror of that car, she burst of her own and ran.

The phone rang once. "I found her car! I'm at a cemetery on Lincoln, I'm going to look!" Cat didn't wait for an answer, her feet pounding against the grass as she burst through the gates. The water flooded her eyes, drenched her hair, and she cupped her hands around her mouth and screamed as she ran, "Jade!"

She was met with a silence so dense it was like the dead around her were sucking up her words. "Jade!"

As she dodged through tombstones, she thought of their first kiss and their last and she was not about to allow this to be over. She had found a reason to be truly happy and she wasn't going to lose it here.

It was dark and the rain was heavy but she saw a shape slumped heavily against a tombstone and Cat screamed, skidding through the grass until she was at the girl's side. Jade's eyes were closed, her body thick with rain and Cat grabbed her shoulders, shaking her, screaming. Jade's arms were fallen at her sides like limp branches and Cat only glanced at them once, saw the red staining her wrists. She took Jade's cheeks in her hands and her skin was an odd shade of terrifying blue. Cat pushed back the wet strands of hair and yelled in the girl's face, shook her, crashed her lips against Jade's.

But the kiss was dead.

It was the screech of Jade's mother that finally tore her gaze away and she watched her stab at her phone and scream into the receiver.

"My daughter is dying!"

Cat held the girl's face in her hands, brought their foreheads together. "Don't you die on me," she whispered.

Thunder clapped above them and Cat sobbed, her tears entwining with the rain.


	10. Chapter 10

Is death supposed to smell like latex gloves? Jade really wasn't expecting that, to be honest. She expected a tunnel. Bright lights. Pearly gates. Maybe a fire, if that was where she was meant to go. She hadn't directly killed herself, sure; her attempted suicide had taken her a few years, but she finally got to this point. She had finally done it. She had said over and over again that she didn't want to die, that she just wanted to cope with her stress, but she had been such a fantastic liar she couldn't detect it herself.

There's an incredibly annoying beeping somewhere, too. Beep, beep. Beep, beep. What, is this hell? This is the eternal torture she had been asking for? Beep, beep. Well, Christians had been making a huge deal out of nothing. This was cake. If this was death, this was pretty good. Even if there was a lot of beeping and it smelled really sanitary. Better than fire.

She wasn't sure if she should try to move. Maybe that would mess things up or something. It was weird because she could still feel her arms and legs. They felt really long and far away, but they were there. She tentatively raised one finger. It rose and fell. Hm. She boosted it up a notch and moved her whole hand, squeezing her hand into a fist.

Ow. Ow, that hurt.

Her wrist screamed. She quickly flattened her hand, sucking in a breath at the pain. Death doesn't exactly come with a handbook, but she's almost positive that her wrists shouldn't still hurt. She was supposed to find peace in death, not the same kind of pain.

Which meant only one thing.

Her eyes opened slowly, pupils shrinking painfully as light assaulted her. She tried to raise her hand again to block the glare, only to find her arms wrapped in a collection of cords. Jade studied them groggily. Her head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, so she didn't even attempt to raise it and glance around. Not that there was any need. A rustle captured her attention, carefully turning her head toward the sound.

A wave of red flashed before her eyes. It was hard to focus, like everything was shrouded in fog, but she only knew one person with a shock of red hair.

"Jade?"

Jade blinked the girl above her into focus, a hand raising to try and find her face. Jade couldn't be sure, but it felt like her hand was to Cat's cheek, being held there, and Jade released a soft sigh of relief. She had missed touching Cat.

"Hey, Red." Jade coughed, her throat dry. She didn't feel angry, just happy, relieved to see Cat floating above her like the angels in the cemetery, only with more flesh.

Cat smiled down at her weakly and Jade could tell by the puffy, red circles around her eyes that the girl had been crying. Jade struggled to piece together how she got here, where she was ... she was certain she was in a building she knew the name for, but her thoughts were scattered so far across her brain she couldn't keep up with them. It didn't matter, though. Cat was here, soft beneath her hand.

"How are you feeling?"

Cat's words seemed to move through sludge and Jade's brows met at the center of her forehead. "Woozy," Jade replied slowly, trying hard to push herself up with her free hand. Cat's face twisted, her hands raising to push against Jade's shoulders.

It hit her then, the word she had forgotten; hospital. She was in a hospital. The cords running in and out of her were probably keeping her alive.

She was alive.

"Lay down, baby."

"Baby?" Jade laughed softly, still holding Cat's cheek. "I'm your baby, hm?" It felt nice to say it, made her heart swell a little bit. She had never been called baby before.

Cat's lips were beautiful and they made a beautifully sad smile down at her. "Yeah, you're my baby." She made a strangled choking noise and then tears fell on Jade's neck, hot drops of water hitting her skin. Jade didn't like that, didn't want Cat to cry, her other hand struggling to find Cat's opposite cheek so she could brush the tears away. Her fingers were clumsy and sluggish, but she managed.

"I'm sorry," Jade said, because somehow she understood that Cat was crying because of her. "I'm sorry, Cat."

Cat shook her head, waves of red hair falling to touch Jade's cheeks and in a surprised inhale Jade could smell her, could really smell her, and for a moment she has so pissed that she had nearly died without smelling Cat one more time, without kissing her.

"Kiss me, Cat. Please."

Cat didn't have to be asked twice, pressing her mouth hard against Jade's. Jade's lips were numb at first and it was hard to get her brain to react but eventually she was kissing her back, hands holding tight to Cat's cheeks. It felt like ages since she had kissed her, touched her, smelled her, and how could she ever think that death was a better alternative to having this all the time? She could have Cat. She _did _have Cat.

The seconds seemed a lifetime when Cat pulled away, brushing Jade's hair from her forehead. "I love you," she said, so soft it was barely a whisper and Jade tried to say it back because it was the most truth she had ever felt but her head was too heavy to keep up and her eyelids were falling hard over her vision. Cat was dissolving.

"Is she awake? Jade? Jade, honey?"

Jade's eyes barely managed to slide toward the corners and watch her mom hurry into the room, and then she was gone, captured by sleep.

* * *

Jade looked peaceful, resting against the stark white of the sheets. Cat could ignore the cords running in and out of her, could ignore the beeping, and just study her face, soft and free of the usual stressful lines around her eyes and mouth. Cat felt like painting a picture of her, frozen like this.

She wondered if Jade would look just as peace resting in a casket.

Cat growled and snaked her fingers into her hair. There was no time for thoughts like this. The doctors said she would be fine, but that she would need to be transferred to the psych ward as soon as she regained total consciousness. She had lost so much blood and Jade's mediocre bandaging hadn't been enough to seal off her veins. She could have died had Cat been a little later, had the ambulance been just a few more minutes behind -

Cat shook her head and wiped her sweating palms on her jeans and stared at Jade, pale and broken on the bed. Her wrists were wrapped in white gauze. She had had to get stitches for the scars, but Jade had been so pumped full of drugs she probably didn't even remember it. Cat glanced at Jade's mother across the room, slumped in her chair, asleep. Jade's dad was here, too, wandering around somewhere talking to doctors. Cat didn't know.

They had told her to go home a hundred times, but she wasn't going anywhere until Jade woke up and really talked to her. Their earlier exchange hadn't been enough for her, the messy kiss, the almost incoherent mumbles leaving Jade's mouth ... no, she wasn't leaving with that. She wanted Jade to look her in the eye and really talk to her.

"I never understood."

Cat's head snapped back to Jade's mother, who was sitting up and yawning, rubbing her eyes.

"Jade's always been unhappy. I never really got why."

Cat frowned, chewing her lower lip and looking at the sleeping girl again. "Some people are just ... sad," Cat mumbled, rubbing her hands on her legs. "And scared."

"You think she's scared?" Jade's mom leaned forward on her knees and Cat could see her watching Jade with the same kind of tragic love that Cat could feel twisting in her chest. "What's she afraid of?"

Cat shrugged her shoulders slowly. There was really no answer for that question. But did it really matter why Jade was sad, as long as Cat made her happy again? And not even happy _again _... but happy for the first time?

"Everything," Cat said softly, and Jade's mom nodded in the corner of the room and the two of them watched a girl sleep away her pain.

* * *

The next time Jade woke up, it wasn't to the pleasant sight of Cat floating above her face. It was some strange doctor, poking and prodding at her arms. Jade instinctively tore them away, trying to sit up, but the movement was too fast and she got so dizzy she had to lay down again. The doctor smiled down at her, the woman's eyes kind and her hair a fluff of white.

"Well, good morning, sleepy head. Welcome back to the living."

Jade thought that was kind of a crude, dark joke for a doctor to be making, but Jade didn't have the effort to argue, really. She mumbled incoherently, her lips numb, though she managed to croak out an impressive "Cat?"

"Oh, your friend? Her parents came and got her." The woman started buzzing around, checking the beeping machine next to Jade. "She was here for hours, though, waiting for you to wake up. Do you want me to go get your mom?" The doctor smiled warmly down at her and Jade blinked the fog away, glancing blearily around the room. She remembered being awake earlier, though it was briefly, and she was positive she hadn't been in this room.

"Where am I?" Jade's throat was dry, her voice raspy and far away. A bottle of water hovered before her face, eager fingers breaking the cap away and drowning herself in it. Jade couldn't think of anything that tasted better than that lukewarm bottle of water just then. She crumpled the plastic in her hands and sat up, wiping at her lips as the doctor perched on the edge of her mattress.

"You're in the psych ward," the woman said, offering her a smile that really didn't belong there.

Jade stared at her for a long time. She had assumed that she would, at some point, end up here, but that didn't make the words any more comforting. The psych ward. She was a loon, a total nutcase. She looked down at her arms, at her thickly bandaged wrists. Never had she felt so stupid. So hopelessly idiotic. Suddenly, all of those cheesy things those counselors back at Stowe's had been saying seemed like they made sense ... what had she been trying to do, solve her problems? Like death was the answer or something. She touched one wrist and then the other and felt the doctor's eyes on her, chewing her dry, cracked lips.

"I don't want to die," she said slowly, and for the first time she actually felt like she was telling the truth.

The doctor reached out, touching her hand. "Those scars say otherwise."

Jade pursed her lips and felt an odd twisting in her chest. "No, really, really, I don't." She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth and closed her eyes, an unfamiliar sense to just explode overwhelming her. Her eyes stung, an uncontrolled sob tearing through her throat. "I want Cat," she choked.

The doctor swept out of the room only for her mother to return, tears pouring down her cheeks as she all but tackled Jade in her bed. And she wasn't Cat, but it was good enough. Jade melted into her mother's shoulder, crying, clinging to her. Her mother, she loved her. She really did. And then her dad was there, his eyes sad and swollen with tears and she buried herself in him, too.

She didn't want to die, she just wanted to remember why living was important. And with her mother's sobs and her father's hand on her head, she was starting to recall.


End file.
